Four months ago I gave up my job, my apartment, and almost all of my things. My fiancee and I packed up what was left in our car and drove halfway across the country.
That sounds like it should be the beginning of a wonderfully romantic story, doesn’t it? But as much as I’m enjoying being here, I think I believed too much in driving off into the sunset. Portland may be part of the answer, but it’s not going to magically fix my brain chemistry.
Depression and OCD don’t work that way and I should know better by now. I have to keep pushing through it. And I have to stop being so hard on myself. Monday I start a new job. I have my fiancee and I have an apartment; I guess I’m doing pretty good. The worst part is the fear that I’ll screw it all up.
My fiancee blogs over at Ripping Back. She does a weekly review that seems to really help her get her head on straight after each week and see it for what it is. I liked the idea and decided to steal it from her.
I’ve blogged before, but it’s almost always in a social networking context. I haven’t had a real, “personal” journal in years. But I’ve gotten to the point where I’m not comfortable being honest in front of so many of my friends on social media. I feel like I shouldn’t talk about being depressed, either because they’re also depressed and I don’t want to be appropriative, or because I feel like I’m better off so I should be grateful.
The thing is that I am grateful. I could easily be dead, and I’m not. But that doesn’t actually fix the depression, doesn’t stop the obsessive thoughts from chewing on me. Thinking out loud – or typing out loud, I guess – does help. It’s like my own neuroatypical version of Getting Things Done; once I have the thought down on paper, I can release it.
So here are my thoughts, down on paper and folded up into a paper airplane. Now I let it go and see what happens.
- Shadows and Darkness (moonandshadow.wordpress.com)