A Sinking Feeling

So do you suppose pouring some mental Draino down my time sinks will free up some clogs?

I spend too much time with negative influences. I cycle around, honestly – I’ll start out with a message board or a chat room that seems interesting at first glance but ends up not being what I want it to be. Much of the time I end up sticking around anyway.

Either I want to see how outlandish things will get, or I want to somehow get everyone to respect me, as if it will prove something. It doesn’t, though. If I succeed, I have the respect of… mostly of a bunch of people I’m not interested in. If I don’t succeed, who cares?

It’s a lose-lose situation, and I’m better off spending the evening with a book. But I go back, usually because I’m on anyway to write or do homework or something, and a chat room or a forum is a nice little distraction. But it always reaches a point where it’s not fun anymore.

That point is now.  Time to clear out my bookmarks. Time to stop hanging around and start finding… I don’t want to say more productive things to do with my time. Productivity isn’t the issue.

More positive things, maybe. That makes sense.

0 thoughts on “A Sinking Feeling

  1. If I may interject a brief thought here. I don’t necessarily know that there is entirely any way to escape ‘negative influences’ as there isn’t any way to escape ‘positive influences.’

    The main key I find in the cycles you speak of, I spin through my own as well, is that it’s about how you habituate your response to the perceived influences and how you attribute positive/negative to the stimuli. How you feed yourself with your responses to situations is probably conditional to how much importance you give those things that upset the sense of ‘me’ that lives in every human head.

    How you give importance and value to things has a lot to do with how you give value to yourself, therefore it can teach you a lot about the way you specifically self-protect and how you attribute your own importance to your Self.

    In reading your post what struck me was the activity. Cycling around, like many of us need to in order to find the inspiration that strikes us to create art in some form, we encounter ourselves over and over in those situations where we spend time around ‘negative/positive influences.’

    Perhaps try to break up that habitual energy of going across the pole of the dichotomy. I dance it often and it’s base and coarse in its expression, forms of needs and wants and expectations, all those things which compose the soil that grows that sense of subtle disappointment or resentments at ‘life’s imperfections.’ You wanted chicken dijon, there was only chicken, no salt, no pepper, you’re bumming now. But you can do something about how you encounter this reality. Do you want to be b*tchslapped every time by your own flavor of biting the hooks and being goaded by those irritations or do you want to stop always feeling irritated or raw in that state of discomfort?

    For myself I got kind of sick of always feeling like my surprise button was stuck in basic situations I kept getting myself into on the positive/negative polarity form of thinking.

    To break up the pattern you just have to do something very basic, but key: observe and be with yourself 100% whenever you remember to. See where those feelings sneak off to when you’re not looking, it’s all things you’ve habituated to, and most of all never give up on being kind being with you.

    You can develop that patience you so want to feel from the world when you’re trying to get good at something. It becomes a more pro-active form of feeling that takes you out of the passivity of the positive/negative cycle and puts you right in touch with the heart of the matter when you’re spinning in circles on the positive/negative pole of wants and not-wants.

    Just a couple ramblings – hope it wasn’t too forward.

    D. Ogyen

    1. When I talk about getting rid of negative influences, I’m not talking about anything that’s really necessary. I’m thinking of blogs that I read because I disagree vehemently with the authors, or chat rooms I hang out in when I’m bored just to make fun of people.

      It’s about choosing what I want to put my energy into and where I want to direct my time. Instead of being angry because someone is Wrong On The Internet, I’d rather spend more time commenting on my friends’ writing or reading a good book or meditating. Does that make sense?

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