Here We Go

English: "Odin with Gunnlöd" (1901) ...
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Job interview is in the morning. I’ve done ritual cleansing, invokation of Odin for a charming tongue and Mara for the financial stability this would bring. In the morning I’ll anoint myself with the oil my girlfriend got me for Solstice. I haven’t decided which jewelry to wear yet, but I intend to be very deliberate.

I gave Odin poetry – I recited off the top of my head and very intentionally didn’t write it down. This is not something I do often; I’m afraid of losing my work to the point where I have three or four different backups of almost everything, and multiple capture systems for when I have ideas on the fly. It was hard, choosing to let it go. But I was determined that it should be just for him, not even for myself.

I’m waiting to do the honey pot until after the interview since it seems to make more sense to do it once I have a feel for the target. (And not at all because I’m nervous about Actually Doing Actual Magic, no, not me…)

I tried to do some divination for myself on the subject of The Job Hunt, but the reading was very much:

Step 1: Here are all my hangups on display.

Step 2: ???

Step 3: Profit!

Maybe I just need a better layout for reading or something, but I can’t seem to get answer to what I should be focusing on to get to step three.

I asked a friend of mine who’s read professionally to give me some feedback, and when she threw for me, she came back saying that I needed to claim my personal power and not be afraid to do what I dream of doing.

“But I don’t know what I want to be doing,” I whined. I’m not proud of it. But I totally whined.

“Your subconscious does. I think you’re too afraid to let it tell you.”

Which… is incredibly frustrating and probably true. I think I’ve unlocked the minigoal “figure out how to listen to yourself,” and I don’t think “throw tarot cards at it” is going to be the answer. Maybe I can try those books that are designed to help you figure out what your career goals should be.

I’m also, I’ll be honest, terrified of grad school. I applied before, and got turned down, and now I think maybe I’m gunshy about the whole game. I’m not good at failure. (See also: how I almost never get around to submitting my writing for publication.) I’m that kind of perfectionist who would rather not play than lose.

But not playing is losing. So I have to teach myself how to play all over again.

0 thoughts on “Here We Go

  1. …I have totally had tarot readings like that. “But how do I *GET* there from here??” Cards: “Answer unclear, ask again later.”

    I’m also the kind of perfectionist who would rather not play than lose. (It’s not an uncommon approach.) Getting past that is tricky. And mostly just requires forcing yourself to play and risk, over and over again, even though it feels gut-wrenching and terrifying. (Exposure therapy is my self-work of choice. Not at all gentle though.)

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