I had another interview yesterday, my third for the position I want. This one was another phone interview. It was not long after I woke up, so I did less preparation today, but I thought I came across fine. Then I heard nothing this afternoon.

Though the interviewer said it might be a few days before I heard anything, that’s what I was told during the previous interviews and they both resulted in callbacks later that afternoon. So there’s no reason to be flailing, and there’s nothing flailing can possibly accomplish, but my best buddy Lizard Brain is flailing anyway.

Over on the Beat OCD Blog, Ann was talking about how the mind tends to react to the removal of an anxiety-causing stimulus by looking for something else to be anxious about. I suspect this is related to the reason my nerves are wracked – Lizard Brain has decided that simply stressing about the job as a whole isn’t enough. I also need to flail about this particular step in the process and various almost-entirely-unrelated things.

Deborah recommended I take another look at a specific post on Rune Soup about volume and chaos magic. It occurred to me that even if the universe is ridiculously good at taking spellwork literally, that doesn’t mean it’ll undo “I want this job” – just that I might have better results if I keep giving the universe more to work with. This is hard because I am so, so very tired of sending out job applications. I’m wondering if getting an entry level job always required four or five interviews and I just lucked out before, or if the Portland job market is particularly fussy like that. It’s exhausting. It’s depressing.

I need to do like this week’s NYNY challenge says and do it anyway… tomorrow, or maybe Saturday, if I can get the crushingly depressive ennui to lighten up for a few hours. I’m not sleeping well, and combined with the exhausting anxiety and the depressive tendencies, I tend to come home from work wanting to curl up and not move.

I also need to pick up some post-it notes so I can do more damned magic already.

0 thoughts on “Nervewracking

  1. Dude… I know that particular kind of soul-shredding tiredness/anxiety well. It’s the kind of tiredness that robs you of energy to do things you actually want to do. That was six months of last year for me. It got so that it was very difficult even just meeting my friends in town for a drink.

    And you can’t get the ennui to lift ever. All those recommendations to “take a day off from the job hunt and treat yourself to a nice walk” or whatever… I call bullshit on them.

    The only thing for it -at least I found- is to wake up before it and get the job applications done by 7:30am. (Nap in the afternoon if you have to though I wouldn’t recommend it. Makes the insomnia worse.

    Doing this mean, when the ennui (let’s call a spade: depression) lands, which it will, it can’t actually get in the way of achieving your goals.

    Also, for what it’s worth: getting really, really good at cooking helped. It gave me a daily goal (cheap, awesome, mostly-vegetarian meals) and a yardstick by which I could measure how I was enriching my life outside of the jobhunt. It’s also a skill that you never lose so it’s not like taking up pottery to pass the time until you go back to work… you have to cook for the rest of your life so you might as well be good at it.

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