This Tarot Reading Makes Me Deeply Uncomfortable

I’m one of those people that never stops being surprised when divination is accurate, no matter how many times it is. It’s not that I don’t believe in it, really. It’s a function of the way I don’t believe things work out for me even if they work for other people.

So I’m sitting here waiting to hear from the job I’ve been a nervous wreck about for two weeks now. I always get calls later in the day from them so I’m trying desperately not to overthink it, and I suppose there’s no guarantee I’ll hear today even if yesterday I was told I would. With nothing better to distract me, I went looking for an online tarot reading and ended up at a site that uses the Crowley Thoth deck.

It has a place to type in what you want the reading to be about, which I left blank. Nonetheless when I clicked through it told me “the significator is in the “Yod” Pack,which suggests: Work or Business.” Well played, deck, I thought.

My significator is two of cups, which reflects both my relationship (which is absolutely the best thing in my life right now) and “harmony of masculine and feminine united.” The latter ties in neatly with some of the internal work I’ve been doing.

My current environment is the Moon: Dissatisfaction or voluntary change. Voluntary change, yes please! Dissatisfaction with my work or business, yes please!

The obstacle: Four of disks, “assured material gain, success, rank, dominion, earthly power completed but leading to nothing beyond.” Ouch. It notes that “sometimes the card refers to something you may think is desirable. At that point you must reassess your desires and determine if the quest is worthy or if the goal is something better left unattained.” Can I wait and do that after I have a decent-paying job? Please?

The goal: Three of disks, work or business. This one’s obvious and clearly accurate in that way that always surprises me in divination.

The foundation of the present: Four of cups, pleasure and success coupled with some anxiety. I’ll admit that when I did have a good job, I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What I really want is to run my own business and not have my income at the whim of corporate decision-making, but I need to have a stable base to create that, don’t I? Right now I’m so tired I don’t have the mental energy to work on anything else, income-wise.

The past: Two of disks, pleasant change. This one’s pretty clearly the move up here to Cascadia. If I hadn’t done that, none of this would be up in the air, after all.

The immediate future: Seven of wands, bravery, opposition, possible victory if I’m up to the challenge. Thanks, cards, I have no idea what that means in relation to the job hunt except that it makes me even more anxious.

The future environment: Five of cups, disappointment, love lost, friendships lost. Arg, what the hell, cards?

The influence of society: Wheel of fortune. I… guess that’s good. 

The challenge: Knight of wands. Which is generally my significator. Sounds like the person I need to overcome is myself, huh?

The outcome: Eight of cups, temporary success that’s soon abandoned, lack of interest in anything… So this is the depression card?

I know the “outcomes” of tarot readings are subject to influence and change, but the take-away I’m getting from this is that even if I get the job I think I want right now, it won’t make me happy. But I don’t actually expect it to make me happy. I just want it to make me a little less neurotic and miserable.

Maybe the problem is that the last time I had a decently-paying job, I did get too comfortable. I didn’t really look at other jobs while I was there. I played a bit at side businesses, but never really dedicated myself to getting anything off the ground. Am I afraid on some level that if I get a job like that again, I’ll fall back into that same mindset?

Even if I did, isn’t it better than the stress and overstimulation and constant fear that I have right now? I’ll take ennui over a full nervous breakdown any day.

The problem I run into again and again is that I don’t have something else to look to. There’s no “follow your dream” for me, no obvious thing I can do that I know will make me happy. My girlfriend has that – her fiber arts and crafts make her happy, and she knows that’s what she wants to do for a living even if she’s not yet sure how to get there from here. I don’t know what “there” is, so I’m not getting there so much as I’m kind of bumming around on the train, going nowhere.

I’d love to find my life’s work, but I don’t know where to look.

Dear universe: help?

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