Gauge Check: Getting Away With Something

So this week I got my really-and-true Official Plastic Driver’s License, as opposed to the temporary one I’ve been using. It feels… a little more real, anyway. It doesn’t help that I immediately went back to commuting on the bus once I’d gotten all my practice. (Still cheaper given current gas prices and the fact that I don’t want my girlfriend stuck in the house all day.)

I still feel like getting behind the wheel and actually driving is getting away with something somehow. Like I’m pretending to be a competent adult. I’m still waiting for the actually feeling like I know what I’m doing. Maybe that’ll come once I get on the freeway.

Most of this week has been spent on the edge of overwhelmed, but not quite there. Lots of work. Trying to keep up with National Poetry Writing Month. Trying to get some writing done. This week has been very trying. Plus I had heartburn for most of it.

I did get a very helpful reading this week from Sobekemiti on the subject of my creative pursuits, which was just what I needed when I was feeling a little burned out. I got some excellent advice on which angles to advance in and who’s interested in what I’m doing – Lakshmi/Laima was one, and Sobekemiti specifically mentioned that it seemed like the Muses were ready and willing to take a hand, if I wanted their help. That was not something I’d considered before and I’m still considering it.

Speaking of feeling like I’m getting away with things that are not a big deal, I left work on time tonight. Radical, I know! Actually, they’re cutting back on overtime in the budget so I can actually leave on time without feeling too guilty. But I still felt like I was sneaking out somehow when I left on time today.

The reason I left early was to take Amber to see Dar Williams for her birthday. I was particularly looking forward to it because Dar talks about the thought that went into each of her songs between them and I wanted to hear more of her thinking behind her new album. The unifying theme of In the Time of Gods is that of the gods of Olympus – each song was written with at least some thought to one of the Greek gods, some more obviously than others.

The first time I saw Dar in concert was in 2000, when I was in college. I’d been to shows before that, but it was the first time I was able to really sink into the feeling of live music. (I mostly cry my way through live shows, though I couldn’t explain why to you.) Going to see her felt like it fit the reclaiming theme I’ve had going on the last few months.

Every time I tentatively take back a friendship (hi, Kirryn!) or an idea or some media that was important to me and I lose track of when I was with my ex, I feel like I’m getting away with something there, too. Maybe I am. And maybe it’s not a bad thing.

0 thoughts on “Gauge Check: Getting Away With Something

  1. It took me several months of somewhat regular driving time to get rid of that “oh crap am I really allowed to be doing this?” feeling. It was all about trusting in my competency behind the wheel. I think with time, yours will go away, too.

    And I have never seen Dar Williams live, and have actually only heard a few of her songs, but what I have heard is awesome (and were live recordings, lol)!

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