In my defense, I had to be up ridiculously early Monday so I went to bed before 1am the last two nights.
That’s not really much of a defense, is it?
It’s actually not a bad way to start a gauge check, though, since I have been such an insomniac lately.
Anxiety levels are high and I have no good way to combat them at the moment. The things I’m stressed about – doctor bills, being able to afford the adoption – are all things I can’t really do shit about right now. All I can really do is try not to think about them until I can do something, which… even when I succeed in putting something aside until I’m not consciously anxious about it, the anxiety is still there. I’m just so tired of paying off medical bills, and it makes me not want to go see a therapist because there will be even more bills.
The anxiety puts a damper on everything else. Mara has been very helpful on every other front. I’m waiting on news about a promotion at work, which is adding to the anxiety and the holding-pattern feeling.
Right now it feels like the adoption is impossibly far away, like we’ll never get there and I’m failing both myself and Amber. I know intellectually that’s not the case, but knowing and feeling are so far apart. I’m falling back into old obsessions that I thought I was over.
The trade-off seems to be that I’m writing. A lot. I am okay with this result, at least, but it means other things go by the wayside in favor of writing. I ended up putting off the silversmithing classes, I’m not sure if I’ll pick that up this week or after things die down a bit.
I’m really hoping NaNoWriMo is a sufficient distraction to reset my brain. I need something.