Of Loss and Messages

I know some people have true dreams a lot. I’ve read a number of people who talk about how their gods come to them in their dreams and talk to them.

I can’t remember having clear dreams of my gods, where I know who they are and they address me plainly. Sometimes I have dreams where they take familiar forms (Jareth has shown up a number of times, and sometimes Professor Dark, for example) but off the top of my head I can’t recall actually being told anything. But I suppose being upset and anxious is as good a time as any to start.

My cousin R died yesterday. We weren’t particularly close, but she was the closest to my age out of all my cousins, and she and I have had some health issues in common. Mine was caught early both times, while it was benign; hers was not diagnosed until it was Stage 4 cancer.

This shook me badly, both for the obvious grief and for the triggering of my health anxiety and obsessive thoughts. It was bad enough that I left work early, unable to focus. I spent the rest of the afternoon crying every time a victim died on a crime show. I was, in short, a mess. Amber did her best to take care of me, but there’s only so much comfort to go around in a situation like that.

It took me a long time to fall asleep last night, and, as you may guess from my introduction, I dreamed.

I had come to an office in a strip mall. I had to deliver someone to the proprietor there, she had an appointment. In the dream I don’t remember thinking about who the person was, but in retrospect she did look like my cousin.

I wasn’t sure if the proprietor would see me, but her assistant invited me in as well. The office looked half like it belonged to a massage therapist, with a high cushioned table to treat the patient and various equipment, and half like it was someone’s home, with thick, dark oriental rugs and sheer curtains and incense in the air.

The doctor, for lack of a more specific title, smiled at me as she laid my cousin down on the table. Her smile was warm, and she looked a lot like Cheng Pei-pei, though her skin was quite dark, maybe the color of tiger’s eye in the halflight of the workroom. Her hair was pulled up in a simple, practical style, and she wore a short, black lab coat over a dark shirt and trousers. She covered R in a thick, almost chainmail-looking blanket, covered her in incense, and spoke to her too quietly for me to hear. I couldn’t make out the details through the curtains.

When she was done with my cousin, she helped her up and her assistant took R away. Then she looked at me and gestured for me to come over. I laid down on the table and she covered me with the same blanket. It was so heavy I couldn’t move, and I began to worry that lying on my back would trigger my vertigo, but she told me to relax. I couldn’t tell you exactly what she did; it was a little like a reiki treatment and a little like a pressure points massage and not really like either.

When she was done, she asked why I had hesitated and I said I wasn’t sure I was allowed. She said that I was always welcome, and I cried. We talked, and she sent me on my way.

When I woke up, I realized it had been the Dark Lady. She is not someone I’ve experienced in that way often, and it was startling to realize it. Some of my anxiety has abated this morning, but my no means all. That’s okay. She gave me the distance I needed; she reminded me that I am not my cousin. I can do the rest of the work on my own.

An unrelated subject that came up in the dream is the issue of my self-esteem. To be quite honest, I’m lacking in it. I know! You’re shocked! It’s one of my big red buttons, the idea that anyone could possibly value my input or would want to prioritize my desires. Mostly I just try to keep it sufficiently in check not to drive Amber insane, but at some point I need to push past that. The Dark Lady thinks now’s as good a time as any, it seems.

Might as well give it a shot.

0 thoughts on “Of Loss and Messages

  1. You have my sympathy for the passing of your cousin.

    I’m glad the Dark Lady gave you something that helped.

    Self worth and esteem issues are, IMO, some of the hardest and best work to do. My best to you on your journey through it. Though, IMO, being metacognitive enough to know it is something to work on is more than half the battle.

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