Everything At Once

This weekend has been a bit of a roller coaster.

Yesterday, we went to look at an apartment. Yes, we officially kicked off the search for a new apartment again, since that’s the next step in Project Bolivia. We haven’t hit all the goals I wanted to hit before moving, but I’m going to trust Mara and move forward. I’ve got to do something.

So of course the discussion of moving gave me a panic attack. I’ve moved a lot – both as a college student and with my ex, I moved at least once and sometimes twice a year. Moving with my ex was always a production, with a lot of furniture and a lot of boxes. The thought of moving like that again just makes me shake my head and go back to the minimalism blogs.

Throwing things out remains a comforting compulsion. I’m not sure how to deal with it in a helpful way; it’s so much easier just to go with it. I do have to sort, and organize, and cull, and pack. It has to happen, so I might as well just let the compulsion take care of the anxiety as much as it can, right?

I know I’m justifying. I know it won’t really take care of the obsessive thoughts, not in the long run, but isn’t okay just to focus on the short run sometimes? Tomorrow I turn 32. I’m terrified. But, well, anxiety disorder. I’m always terrified. And somehow I keep walking through it, and to do that sometimes I need to focus only as far as the next step in front of me.

I didn’t sleep well last night. This morning, we decided to go to the Portland UU Church and I have to admit I’m a little in love with it. It’s a beautiful, older building. The sermon was really thought-provoking. And they just happened to have the labyrinth set up, and y’all know about my soft spot for labyrinth work by now. I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I do like it a lot and we’ll be there again next week.

Speaking of spiritual stuff, I finally got around to starting the Flamekeeping book. There’s a small group of us on the Cauldron doing a read-along together, so hopefully that’ll keep me on track and thinking about it. I think that’s a good distraction for me right now.

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