Perception

Sometimes I struggle a great deal with the details I share here. I wonder how I come off to y’all, both my regular readers and random passersby. Do I overemphasize the negative? Do I sound too perfect?

I second guess myself a lot. Social anxiety and OCD meet at Social Scrupulousity Park, where I worry that I’m a terrible person and everyone was right to hate me in high school. I still worry I’ll say the wrong thing and hurt people. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.

I get caught up in these thoughts and I shy away from blogging. I know that’s not an answer, but sometimes an answer seems too far away and besides, I could be doing homework or something. I’ve got plenty of excuses.

I’m better, though, when I’m not ignoring things. Keeping busy keeps me from getting too hung up. I’m thinking about trying to post every day this month, to see if it keeps me thinking. What do you think?

0 thoughts on “Perception

  1. We all hurt people, by accident or by design. The problem isn’t so much that we make mistakes, it is how we react to them. I say and do things that can hurt people. When I do, the best thing I can do is learn from it, change how I act, and move along. Don’t worry about the fact that you will make mistakes. We all will, we all do. Sometimes they end up having bad effects and we loose something important. But learning from it is all we can do at that time.

    <3

  2. I think you come across as relatable. Just yesterday I was having one of those everybody-hates-me moods when I suddenly thought, “Wait, does everybody hate me, or do I hate me?” I think we’re our own worst critics.

  3. Share. No matter what it is you are feeling or thinking or otherwise. It’s easy for me to say not to worry, but I myself am prone to worry and second guessing myself as well.

    It may be a selfish thing to say, but it helps to know that I am not alone.

  4. “I second guess myself a lot. Social anxiety and OCD meet at Social Scrupulousity Park, where I worry that I’m a terrible person and everyone was right to hate me in high school… I get caught up in these thoughts and I shy away from blogging.”

    You just described how the inside of my head is, most of the time. For me, I put it down to AS. I wish I were braver about just ignoring that inner ‘voice’. I rarely am.

    I’m thinking of doing more blogging of my ADF work. Not sure I’ll manage daily, but I’m going to try to write a bit more often.

  5. Reblogged this on Here, There Be Gods and commented:
    Jack-a-Dreams posted this awhile back and it could’ve been me. I know that I’ve been indulging my OCD these last couple of weeks–I know it. From rearranging my blog, redesigning my blog, republishing and trashing various entries and even creating a new blog. I do this in other areas of life, too. I’m on my seventh interior paint color in five years of this house. My furniture has been rearranged for the hundredth time. A big part of this is being a foster child; I was in twenty-one different homes and state run facilitues. Every few months I had a fresh start and a new hope of achieving perfection. Sometimes, with OCD, I get so caught up in the thing I’m obsessing about (obviously). I was doing that with my recent blogging. Not that it’s horrible. I wasn’t neglecting anything else and I learned a lot in the few weeks I was on a tear. But sometimes I can get…not manic, it’s not that. I burn bright, is all.

    I said in my last post that the photo of Epona gave me a sense of dread. It wasn’t because of the goddess, or anything mystical. I think it was the seventies style photography; it reminded me of living in the Azores for some reason. It brought me back down to earth and the present. It extinguished the flame. Like, I said, I knew I had been indulging my OCD but in the middle of something else I’d get this “great” idea and it just had to be expressed. That picture of Epona was a descent back into the present. Something that said it’s time to breathe a little, absorb it all, live in the present and not within your thoughts. I don’t know why that felt dreadful, it isn’t really. But maybe that’s just what gets through to me.

    Anyways, I really appreciate you all hanging in there with me and all my rearranging.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *