The stunning thing I realized, when I started making my practices list, was how many things were on it that I didn’t enjoy doing. Not just things I did because I felt like I should, like runes, but things I actively did because of religious scrupulosity rather than because of any kind of faith or experience. I have a tendency to track omens in really unhealthy ways, for example, telling myself that since X didn’t happen, it must be because I’d upset a deity. I know this is disordered thinking, but I spend too much time and energy addressing it in the moment instead of working on the pattern in the same way I do with other aspects of my OCD.
I’m not going to go into my full list of practices here, but once I felt like I had a good, solid representation of my practices, I made a companion list of what I would like my practice to look like. It looks a bit like this:
- add incense and water more regularly to candles
- regular offerings, esp to ancestors and spirits I have a personal relationship with
do more regular magical work
- finish art for a second working draft of my oracle deck
- start seriously working with my coin system
- develop a regular divination habit
- more magical journaling
- regular meditation and spiritwork practices
The same key words kept coming up: habit, and especially regular. I suppose it’s not accidental, given that my energy this year is being spent trying to keep going. I struggle with doing things regularly (hell, I still can’t shake the feeling that it’s profoundly unfair that the laundry won’t just stay done) and with creating good habits.
My sleep schedule is a mess. My work schedule varies from week to week, and I never know whether I’ll be able to get to writing as soon as the baby goes to bed or if she’ll be up and demanding my attention for an hour or two. I’m still trying to make cooking a habit as well, but cooking generates dishes to wash and I sometimes find myself overwhelmed before I even start.
It’s ridiculous, but it is what it is. I need to learn to work around myself, because stomping on the parts that don’t work well in the name of being a better person isn’t working.
At night, I like doing my candles; I like taking that moment of silence and reflection. I want to do more of that. I need to figure out how to make the regular parts easier. I’m going to try some apps for nagging, since reminders do help. I’m also thinking about a thing or two I do before bed specifically, or while commuting, instead of trying to get everything in while waiting to see if the baby’s going to sleep.
Suggestions for habit-forming? I’ve tried HabitRPG before and found the ‘losing points’ aspect anxiety-inducing because it didn’t solve the forgetting/losing time aspect of not doing things for me. Other ap or game suggestions are welcome, though.