My grandmother passed away earlier this week.
When we were first discussing the visit to see her, we had planned to wait until April, when things were a little simpler. Going in March was a lot more effort in terms of logistics and also somewhat more expensive, but once I had the thought that I should go in March, I couldn’t shake it. I’m not psychic, but I think every life has a few moments like that in it.
Now I light candles for her, and I watch and re-watch the videos I took when we were there. It’s not much, but my child will know she met her great grandmother. I took the little cat figures she gave me away from the shelf they were on, and put them up with my other grandparents’ funeral cards, with my other grandmother’s buttons and my grandfather’s army knife.
While I was definitely pagan when my mom’s parents passed (fifteen or so years ago now) I didn’t have any kind of ancestor practice at the time. I had a basic one when my cousin Rachel passed a few years ago, but her death was difficult for me to process in ways that made it difficult to reach out to her as an ancestor. This is the first time I’ve had to navigate the idea of it while actively mourning.
I kept wanting to think about the mechanics of it during March, and then pushing it aside. I’m a planner, so it’s normal for me to go ‘okay, if X then Y’ but this felt morbid. And then the time finally came and I was too numb to do anything but the most basic things.
It’ll be some time anyway, before I’m ready for an ancestor relationship. Right now it’s just about honoring her life and what she taught me. I expect there’s a period of transition? I’m honestly not sure of the mechanics. Time is meaningless, so maybe it doesn’t matter, but I feel like it does. Anybody have any suggestions based on experience?
In the meantime, I’ll talk to Hekate and Persephone, and keep myself busy, and work on… well, I have quite a few things to work on. I’m still numb sometimes, and sad sometimes. It’s getting better, I think, and I know it’s normal. I’ll get there.
If you’re going through hell, keep going. So here I go.