Day 01 – Getting Failure Out of the Way

When I tried to do planetary work a couple of weeks ago, I decided to do it in the morning, after the house was empty but before I had to go to work. It was quiet, I wasn’t going to get distracted like I did in the evenings. Seemed perfect.

And it worked for a couple of days, but then I got the flu. It was the worst flu I’ve had since I was a kid, I’m pretty sure. I was super, super sick. My sleep schedule was messed up. My spouse was also sick, so I didn’t have the house to myself reliably. I finally put the planetary work on hold, and a friend of mine gave me the seed for half of what I’m doing now, with the suggestion that I re-work the planetary work to fit my own pantheon rather than trying to do something that doesn’t fit.

I assumed, I don’t know why, that when I started this up again, I’d do the whole shebang in the morning. Maybe because of that. Maybe because I’ve been doing my small offerings on my way to work in the morning. Maybe because I’m good at self-sabotage, I don’t know.

What I do know is I am naturally nocturnal, I am terrible with mornings, and I almost never accomplish anything more complicated than starting the dishwasher. When I do feel more than minimally conscious, I tend to go into work early for the overtime.

Guess what I completely forgot about until it was too late to do anything about it this morning?

You got it.

So I felt dumb about it, as you do, and I beat myself up over it some, as you do. And then I got to thinking about perfectionism. Perfectionism is an awful, pernicious thing. It gets up in my head and it convinces me it’s not worth doing anything if I’m not going to be perfect. (And thanks, OCD, I know nothing’s perfect.) I almost didn’t sign up to do this challenge because I was worried I’d fuck it up.

I spent a few hours thinking I’d fucked it up on day one with most of day one still ahead of me. When I got my head back together, though, I realized that (a) I still had plenty of day left to do it in and (b) it made more sense to do it when I was awake enough to appreciate it anyway. Also, (c) now I had fucked up and there was no consequence except for the part where I admit it.

I thought about timing, ran through the prayers on at lunch, and after the baby was in bed, I did it properly, with candles and incense and intent. Wednesdays are for Pillai and Bluebird.

I’m not satisfied enough with the prayer to share it yet, but I do like one part where I ask Pillai: show me doors that I might pick locks. In my head, even with the Prozac, sometimes it seems like I’m shut up alone with my brain weasels. Picking locks means forcing my way out, whatever it takes.

Mara, be with us. Pillai, help us. Bluebird, support us. I’m using the household concepts from the post I linked yesterday. I’m asking. That’s harder than it sounds for me. I’m going to ask every day.

Also I’ve been working on a lodestone spell for a bit with the goal of it being ready to set loose today. I put mine on, and my spouse put theirs where it goes. So that’s fired off.

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