Last year I spent six months working with the Dark Lady, a practice that included daily mantra repetition and meditation. On one hand, it was sufficiently intense that I barely saw Mara for most of that time. On the other… Well, she was great, and I accomplished a lot, and she introduced me to Redbird and was the catalyst for a lot of things I needed.
At the end of the six months, she told me I needed to stop and move on… to Redbird or to Tzymir or whatever, but I was done with her. I even hesitated to add her to the line up, but despite my efforts to do as I was told, well. I’ve had the Dark Lady in my life in one way or another since forever. She got an altar when we moved regardless.
Tonight I straight up told her I missed her, mid-prayer, distracted. I thought about going back inside – it was raining, and so instead of going down to the edge of the creek I stayed up under cover.
Finish the work, she told me, and I took a deep breath and steeled myself and started over.
I don’t know what I was expecting when I got done, but she gave me clear indication that she’d “sent me away” because I was too likely to continue out of scrupulosity rather than genuinely wanting to. And it wasn’t until I had permission to return that I realized how personally I’d taken it in the first place. In that post at the time, I wrote about being disappointed because I wanted a social connection out of it that I couldn’t have, and that also played a role, but I think I also was avoiding thinking about whether or not I was sad about being left behind again.
Another lesson in asking, perhaps.